I’m a recovering people-pleaser
And look, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Oh great, another self-help article about setting boundaries.’ But hear me out. I’m not here to preach. I’m here to confess.
It was March 15, 2019. I was sitting in a coffee shop on 5th, across from my friend Lisa. She asked me why I always looked so tired. I laughed it off. ‘Oh you know, just busy.’ But the truth? I was exhausted from saying ‘yes’ to everything and everyone.
I was the yes-girl. Yes to extra work projects. Yes to last-minute favors. Yes to social events I didn’t even want to attend. It was like I had this compulsion to be needed, to be liked. And it was completley draining me.
The breaking point
Then (yes, I know ‘than’ is correct here, but I’m leaving it for authenticity) came the breaking point. It was a Tuesday. I had a work deadline, a dentist appointment, and had committed to helping my neighbor Marcus move. I was running on fumes. My colleague Dave asked if I could take on another project. I opened my mouth to say yes… and then I stopped.
‘I can’t,’ I said. Just like that. Two words. But they felt like a nuclear bomb in my mouth.
Dave blinked. ‘You can’t?’ he asked, like he’d never heard those words come out of my mouth before. Honestly, neither had I.
Learning to say no
Saying no was hard at first. It felt physicaly uncomfortable. Like my skin was too tight. But then something amazing happened. I started to breathe again. I had time to think. To rest. To actually enjoy the things I *did* say yes to.
I started small. Declining a project here. Skipping a social event there. Then I got bolder. I told Marcus I couldn’t help him move. He was surprised, but he understood. And you know what? The world didn’t end.
I even started saying no to myself. No to staying up late to binge-watch TV. No to eating junk food just because it was there. No to beating myself up for not being perfect.
But what about being nice?
Here’s the thing about saying no: it doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, it can make you a better one. Because when you stop saying yes to everything, you can start saying yes to the things that really matter.
I remember talking to my friend Sarah about this. She told me, ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup.’ Which… yeah. Fair enough.
I also learned that saying no doesn’t mean you’re selfish. It means you’re honest. And honesty, in my experience, is always the best policy.
Practical advice (and a tangent)
So how do you start saying no? First, give yourself permission. It’s okay to have limits. In fact, it’s healthy. Second, practice. Start small. Say no to a request you can easily decline. Build up from there.
And if you’re feeling guilty (which you will, at least at first), remember: every ‘no’ is a ‘yes’ to something else. Maybe it’s yes to a quiet evening at home. Or yes to a weekend trip you’ve been dreaming of. Or, if you’re in Las Vegas, a yes to checking out the Las Vegas events calendar weekend and actually doing something fun for once.
Speaking of Las Vegas, I once went there on a whim. It was spontaneous and crazy and exactly what I needed. But that’s a story for another time.
The benefits of saying no
Let me tell you, saying no has changed my life. I’m less stressed. I’m more present. I’m actually enjoying my life instead of just going through the motions. And the best part? People respect me more. Because they see that I respect myself.
I’m not saying I’m cured. There are still times when I slip back into old habits. But now I catch myself. I take a breath. And I remember: it’s okay to say no.
So if you’re a yes-person like I used to be, do yourself a favor. Start saying no. Start small. Start today. Your future self will thank you.
About the Author
Hi, I’m Alex. I’m a senior magazine editor with 20+ years of experience. I’ve written for major publications, but my real expertise lies in the messy, imperfect, beautifully human parts of life. I live in Austin with my cat, Miso. I love coffee, bad jokes, and saying ‘no’ to things that don’t serve me.
