Let’s Talk About How Friendships Change (And Why That’s Okay)
Okay, so picture this: It’s 2010. I’m 28, living in Portland, and my best friend Lisa just moved to Chicago. We’re on the phone, crying, talking about how we’ll never see each other again. (Spoiler: We were wrong.)
Fast forward to last Tuesday. I’m 42, still in Portland, and Lisa’s in town for a conference. We meet at that little coffee place on 5th. We talk about work, her kid, my cat, political news analysis today, and how we both kinda hate avocado toast now. (Which, honestly, is a travesty.)
Friendships change. They have to. Because we change. And that’s okay. It’s more than okay—it’s necessary.
But What Even Is a ‘Grown-Up’ Friendship?
Look, I don’t know. I’m not sure anyone does. But I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not texting every day. It’s not seeing each other every week. It’s not even always liking the same things anymore.
My friend Marcus—let’s call him Marcus because I don’t want to embarrass him—he moved to Seattle three years ago. We used to talk all the time. Now? Maybe once a month. And that’s fine. Because when we do talk, it’s like no time has passed. We pick up right where we left off.
I asked him about it once. He said, “Meg, we’re not 16 anymore. We don’t have to talk every day to know we’re there for each other.” Which… yeah. Fair enough.
The Myth of ‘Making Time’
Here’s what pisses me off: people saying “You just have to make time.” No. Just no. Time isn’t some magical thing you can conjure up. It’s not a thing you “make.” It’s a thing you spend. And sometimes, you spend it on other things.
Like, I love my friends. But I also love my job. And my cat. And my sanity. And sometimes, I need to spend time on those things instead. And that’s okay. It’s not a failure. It’s life.
My colleague named Dave—yeah, Dave—he told me about this study he read. 214 people, something like that. It said that the average adult has about 16 close friends. But only maintains contact with six. And that’s normal. It’s not a reflection of your commitment to your friends. It’s just… how it is.
But What About the Loneliness?
Oh, it’s real. It’s so real. There are days when I just wanna curl up and cry because I miss my friends. But here’s the thing: it’s not about the quantity. It’s about the quality.
I have this friend, Sarah. We don’t talk often. But when we do, it’s deep. It’s meaningful. It’s like therapy. And honestly, that’s more important than talking every day about nothing.
And yeah, sometimes I feel lonely. But I’ve learned to be okay with that. It’s part of the deal. You can’t have the good without the bad.
A Tangent: The Art of the Group Chat
Okay, so this isn’t about friendships, but it’s related. Group chats. They’re the worst. And the best. And honestly, I don’t know how I feel about them.
There’s this group chat I’m in. It’s me and six other friends from college. We’re all over the country now. And sometimes, it’s the best thing ever. We share memes, we talk about our lives, we make plans. But other times, it’s just noise. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m getting old. But I think there’s something to be said for the art of the group chat. It’s a whole other level of friendship.
So, What’s the Point?
I don’t know. I guess the point is that friendships change. And that’s okay. It’s normal. It’s life. And it’s beautiful in its own messy, wonderful way.
So don’t stress about it. Don’t feel guilty. Just be there. In whatever way you can. Because that’s what matters.
About the Author: Meg O’Connell is a senior editor at a major lifestyle magazine. She’s been writing about relationships, self-improvement, and the general chaos of life for over 20 years. She lives in Portland with her cat, her plants, and a never-ending supply of coffee. She’s probably online ranting about something right now.
